Happy Mother’s Day (USA) to all the great moms, aunts, grandmas, teachers, coaches, Girl Scout leaders, mentors, and of course to all the wonderful moms in this great sober blogosphere! This is the day to appreciate the women in our lives, as well as the person that you have become as a mom!
For many of us moms struggling with our dreadful addiction to alcohol, this can be a challenging day to get through. We place so many expectations on ourselves to be the perfect moms, but when we get so consumed by alcoholism that nothing matters, we can’t quite fathom how this could be happening to us.
Motherhood started quite unexpectedly for me, yet I was filled with hope for the new future. But when I returned to drinking, it came down crashing around me pretty fast. Today those memories keep me sober, but back then these situations kept me in bondage of self-pity, anger, and drinking. It is still unbelievable to me that this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful that even then I was not able to quit drinking.
But today, to see my little girl flourishing, and to be a part of her life is an amazing gift. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have her back in my life, and I am amazed by how much things have changed for use, and I have now been sober half of her life!
Nevertheless, since my mom passed away, mother’s Day has been quite difficult as I am still working through the pain of no longer having a mom. I’ve been hanging out in self-pity again, and feeling sorry for myself as all these occasions used to be so special, and now they are just handfuls of memories.
So, I have been trying to stay grateful and positive and not to wallow. Then my son was sent home on Thursday with a high fever and couldn’t come back to school next day, which also meant that we couldn’t participate in the Mother’s Day tea. We were both disappointed. Ugh. I really wanted to go, especially since now, both of my boys are in the same daycare and I felt bad for my younger son who wouldn’t have a mom at his tea time. Of course in part because I though the other moms would be judging me for not showing up. Yes, sometimes the old crazy thinking just creeps in! I stared getting angry at the word, why the hell do these things always happen to me! It never fails, things always go wrong! Oh, good grief, I was just spiraling downwards with my negative thoughts, and making this situation all about me. Grrr..
So, on Friday, my son and I went to the store to get some more meds and Gatorade, and as we were walking around, he again told me how upset he was to have to miss the tea time. I told him that I was sad about it too… then we passed the coffee/tea section… the I had a light bulb moment! I stopped and looked at him. “You know, we can still have tea, just you and me!” A hug smile filled his face!! “We can have tea time at home!”- I said. We went down the aisles and chose our special tea (blueberry) and Milano chocolate cookies. Then we went home, and sat at the coffee table, with out fancy tea and cookies, watching Sesame Street. It was perfect!
How amazing was this! Things like this would not be possible if I was still drinking, because I would have been too preoccupied trying to figure out when I could start drinking, not to mention that if I was still drinking I would most likely not have a son to take care off – but really – if I was still drinking I would be in my sweats on the couch, just waking up, terribly hungover from the night before and hoping that there was some wine left for the morning. Ugh.
So here it is again, the miracle of sobriety! I can often see that things do happen for a reason – to teach us, to enlighten us, to make us appreciate life! I truly believe that when we get sober we are finally able to see the gifts that our difficult situations have brought us, and we are able to cherish the gifts that we have acquired, and we can also see the gifts that are right in front of us.
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