I have noticed lately that my kids are all moving forward to the next stages of their lives.
There seems to be a huge shift in everyone’s behavior that has me sort of baffled! My cute, little girl has officially entered the early puberty stage, and the raging hormones stage, and the sassy tween stage. My middle boy is getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall and has consistently pushed his independence upon us, as well as doing many new things that he believes only big boys do. And my youngest is in the midst of the terrible twos and quite often throws a tantrum just because! These are absolutely wonderful milestones, filled with many new and exciting learning opportunities.
And while it is so amazing to see my kids growing into their new stages, I often feel like am going completely nuts trying to manage everyone’s needs, wants and behaviors. There should be more of mes, there is too many of them! I get really overwhelmed, and I really just want to SCREAM.
There is also a constant chaos in our house! It sort of feels like we are on a boat which has a bunch of holes in its bottom, and I am just frantically running around trying to plug them so we don’t sink. But as we get one of the holes plugged, another hole appears! To add to this craziness, the weather on the great sea that our boat is on, appears to be constantly changing too. In a matter of few hours, it might have been sunny, then it rained, then sunny again, then a huge thunderstorm, than sun again.
As the day progresses the weather gets worse and worse, and there are more and more holes in the boat, and we are running around even more frantically! I’ve been trying to stay calm and just keep plugging the holes, but I can’t keep up, and then I am at my breaking point and I really just want to SCREAM.
Until 9pm when the kids go to bed and we plop ourselves on the couch and wonder what the hell…. and how the hell did we manage to get through that – oh thank goodness this is over! We have made it another day! Woot woot!
OMG. I really, really, need a break. Like now! But there is no break. I really just want to check out; somehow, somewhere, just be. But I can’t. What happened to those carefree days, with no worries in the world, no responsibilities, no screaming kids, no constant laundry, no worrying to feed anyone, no…
When I get in that space I start imaging how relaxing it would be to sip on a glass of wine, somewhere on an island, while literally devouring all the quiet around me. I can almost taste and smell it. I can almost feel the wine flowing through my body as its warmth fills me up… then the movie skips, and the real one fades in – me flat on the kitchen floor with several boxes of wine surrounding me. Or me waking up on a side of the road, still in my car at 7 am, or me sitting in the drunk tank at the county’s adult corrections center. Hmmm. Not carefree at all.
So tonight I park the van as I get home from work, and open the door to a house that is already in turmoil, the holes are all leaking, it’s a hurricane, the boat is sinking. I brace myself for the worse as I keep asking what is going on. There in the kitchen is my 5-year-old boy screaming as he holds a paper towel filled with blood, and as more blood is just streaking down his face. I just really want to SCREAM!
But something in my kicks in. Some strange calmness comes over my body as I try to comfort my son and give directions to others. Within a few minute he is in the car and off to the Emergency Room who his dad. I walk back into the house and comfort the other kids. We quietly eat dinner together, then get ready for bedtime. Then, we sit on the couch, and enjoy some TV. A text finally comes in the boy is going to be ok!
And all of the sudden I am flooded with emotions, he is going to be ok! Woot woot! I am sooo relieved, and thankful, and grateful and joyous! AND I am so f**ken glad that I am sober, I just want to SCREAM!
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