The amazing post from Mishedup called Word Of The Year 2015 had me wonder for days about what I want my word to be. I am definitely not one to make many New Year resolutions, ok, well, actually, I have never made any resolution! But, I do like the idea of having a goal for the year, and something to look forward to having accomplished. There are many words that I can think of that would be great growth oriented slogans for this year, like: strength, acceptance, honesty, and openness.
Yet, I am not quite sure. THE word!? One word!? That’s hard to pick. I am still thinking… and I just don’t know where I want to go, or what I want to do. How strange…
So I went back and read Mishedup’s post again. Suddenly, and as it happened for her (read her post), a part of the poem that she shared, completely resonated with me! OMG!
It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.
The very first sentence, when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work. For some reason, for the last several months, I have been feeling like I don’t know what to do. I am grasping for things out there to show me some direction, but it doesn’t feel like that direction is right for me.
I have to admit, that ever since I got sober, almost seven years ago, I’ve been running in a very definite direction. Now, I am not talking about the kind of running one may do to train for a marathon, but the kind of running one may do to get sober, and stay in recovery. I struggled for so long to get sober – 4 very, long and grueling years – that the last time I decided to get sober, I literally threw myself into recovery and immersed myself in the 12-step program. I was just so completely done, that I was willing to do anything to stay sober. And staying busy was definitely part of it. I packed my days from the time I woke up, to the midnight hour, at which the stores where I live stop selling alcohol. Every single hour of my free time, if I had any, I had filled up with meetings and recovery.
Then I got married and had kids and that kept me busy for a long time. Now my youngest is two and a half, the middle one is almost six and my oldest is eleven. My recovery has become my normal, and is in the maintenance mode. Nevertheless, things are still busy with a full-time job, my family, and my blog, there is not much time left for anything else.
During the holidays I saw people post their “year in review” and I noticed their huge lists of great memories that they have stashed away. I tried to look back and recall my year, and besides vacations, I can’t really remember much. The year just flew by!
So I feel a bit rundown! I have been constantly ruining for so long now that I am often not able to just sit, or just be there. I’d like to stop and smell the roses, but to tell you the truth, I am not sure that I actually can. I do take some breaks. Part of my stress management are the short self-breaks but they usually only last 10-15 min. I also try to veg-out on my 45min train ride to work. Well sometimes. Many times I blog, or tweet, or answer emails.
But what if I could really gear down my morning routine, or even my daily routine? Maybe even plan less for each day, or spread it out some, or cut some time from other activities, like laundry? Lol, that won’t happen! But maybe less time on Facebook and Twitter. Maybe I can also worry less, think less, stress less, and overall do less too! Maybe I can also slowdown this crazy mind of mine, and slowdown all the thoughts that continuously run through. Maybe I could gear down my whole life? What if by doing less of everything, I actually gain more? Hmmm.
What I really want is more time for staying in the moment, and being able to stay there and be fully aware and centered. I want to be more engaged in my life. And I am not quite sure what I mean by that, since it seems that I am pretty engaged as is. But it also feels like just because I am doing many things, and I am super busy all the time, it does not necessarily mean that I am really engaged. And that reminds me of the 4 years I spent trying to get sober; I was doing 12-step work and recovery, but I was not really engage in it.
I know that I want to put more focus on the people and things that are right around me. I think last year I spent lots of effort constantly reaching out THERE instead of staying right HERE. And I am really coming to a realization that here is where I should, need, and really want to be the most. Time is really going by so fast. I want to remember and cherish each moment. I want to grow my sober memory garden, and I want to be able to say one day: Those were the good old days!
So my word, will be:
Yes, simple yet full of meaning to me. I think I’d rather be fully centered here, than only partly, sprinkled everywhere!
What is your WORD going to be!? I would love to hear.
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