I was recently overwhelmed with gratitude as I was sitting among the many parents, watching and listening to my daughter during the strings orchestra’s recital. Tears started flowing, and a smile filled my face as I finally found her in the crowd on the stage! How is it, that I am sitting right here, right now?
It felt so very surreal… I started having flashbacks of the hospitals, the detoxes, the jail, the mental hospital, and the many floors that I woke-up on after being in a blackout, and the years struggling to put down the drink! Looking at me now, you would have never believe that I was that person, not that long ago!
You see, if you knew me back in my early drinking days, this would not make any sense to you either, because back then, I was a party girl, and children, let alone three of them, most definitely were not part of that equation. However, clubs, bars and concerts absolutely were, as well as anything that involved drinking. I considered myself the life of the party and I was the “fly by the seat of your pants” kind of girl. I often just took off somewhere just to go to a party, and it didn’t matter how far. I even drove three hours, on a Friday night, to see a band play, by myself of course, because no one could hang with me! I could out drink and out last anyone! But the truth was that I did not want anyone to be a witness to my drunk and stupor.
Then, in my later drinking days, I was quite the opposite! Not wanting to make an ass of myself anymore, and after pissing off, and alienating many people, I stayed at home. Me, myself, and the bottle, or rather bottles, well actually boxes. I would spend my days sitting on the couch, in some raggedy sweats, staring at the TV, and passing out whenever convenient. My days were irrelevant, and continued without any purpose or direction other than to drink. I did not have a job to go to, or friends to visit, in fact, I did not have anywhere to be and nothing to do. I was depressed, lonely and angry. I hated me, and I hated you, and, I hated it all.
If you knew me back then, you would probably notice that now, I no longer have the dark circle under my eyes, and my skin is not a pale shade of gray. You would notice that I smile often, and I am happy! You would not be able to comprehend that I used to sit in a dark room, by myself, and drink into an oblivion, night after night.
If you knew me then, you would have a hard time believing that me, the wild party girl, now has held one job for 5+ years. You would be amazed that I now have a car that is registered and legal, and that I have a driver’s license and that I actually take the bus and the train to work because it is more convenient, and not because it is necessary!
If you know me then, you would have a hard time believing that now I live in a house in the suburbs, and plants flowers, and a huge vegetable garden. You would be amazed by the amounts of cookies and cupcakes that I bake for my kid’s school events. You would be surprised to see me sitting at the kitchen table putting patches on my daughter’s girl scouts vest!
Is this really me? Wow, it is!
It is still hard to believe that I am sober today, and that this is my life now! I seriously have to pinch myself often just to make sure! I would have never dared to dream of this, even though in reality, this is the life I have always wanted, and I am only living it today because I am sober!
Believe me, one day this will happen to you too! One day you will stop rationalizing your drinking, and wondering if you have a problem or not. One day you will stop craving it all the time, and one day you will stop missing it at every event. One day not drinking will be normal to you, instead of the other way around. And one day it will just happen, and you won’t really know it, until something triggers it, and then you’re going to be thinking, “I haven’t thought about drinking today, as matter of fact, I don’t know when I last thought about drinking!”
One day, you will notice that the life that you have been waiting for, and that seemed so very distant in the future, is right here, right now, in front of you!
This will happen to you too, just keep sober and don’t give up before the miracle happens!
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