Why I Absolutely Can’t Do Anything In Moderation

Once a year, and always right before our beach vacation I start a strict diet in an attempt to regain my youthful figure! Yes, this is funny because after three kids, and now approaching my mid 40’s, that youthful figure is long gone! Nevertheless, I try to get in some shape and lose a bit of weight, just so I do not feel absolutely miserable about it as I am strutting on the beach! (Strutting? LOL.)

Dieting2

Ugh, dieting. I actually do not hate many things in life. Hmm… The dentist? Maybe. Ants? Well, they really annoy me, but I do not hate them! Dieting on the other hand… Oh my gosh! I just hate it! I really, really hate it! There is a reason why it is called DIE –ting! It is because you feel like you are DIE -ing the entire time!

The worst part of it is, that if I cut anything from my diet (…or out of my life), it instantaneously becomes my new “favorite!” Then, when I see it, I really want it, and my resolve breaks, and I cannot have just a taste, or a bite, I just eat it all! Then of course, the shame follows and I end up beating myself up. This is not a pleasant cycle.

Furthermore, as I am dieting, all I can think about is food! I am feverishly watching the clock for the next time that I can eat. I am also counting calories like a mad woman. Thank goodness for technology and apps like My Fitness Pal for making it nice and simple! However, I did find myself picking wrappers out of the trash at work because I forgot to scan them to log my calories for the day.

I am also watching the scale like a hawk! The numbers have barely changed in weeks – I figured that maybe the scale batteries were bad so I replaced them, except now I weigh even more! Then I decided to weigh my kids because I know exactly how much they weigh – umm, not really, but I figured if their weight was way off than the scale was definitely bad. So one day, I proceeded to randomly interrupt their activities, and made them stand on the scale. Nope. All weighed the correct amounts – I guess it is not the scale. Bummer.

I often try to eat really light in the morning so I can have some chocolate in the afternoon. Strangely enough, “chocolate in the afternoon” time ends up being right after I finish eating my large, very low calorie salad for lunch. Then I rationalize that I just saved soo many calories by eating this salad that I may have 2 or maybe 3 pieces of chocolate! Of course, before it is all said and done, I end up eating a handful! I laugh about this scenario every day because I should just put the chocolate right on my salad! Oh, and why am I eating chocolate while on a diet? Because I have rationalized that it is still not as bad as drinking. Ha!

Dieting

The rationalizing has now become a madness of its own! The other day I cooked homemade chicken nuggets. There were five left when I was putting the leftovers away. I thought – I am still somewhat hungry I will have one more. I had one and then another. From my calculation that was about 65 calories – I could just have another and make it a round 100, I thought. So, I did. Then there were just two nuggets left, which of course seemed silly to save, so I ate them too. Now I was over my calories for the day and felt like crap for not sticking to my diet.

Of course, I could exercise… but who has the time for that! I am already busy with anxiously planning my eating every single day! Insane.

This behavior has some fascinating similarities to the way I used to drink.

I vividly remember persistently thinking about drinking, and when I could drink, and did I have enough to drink, and did I have enough money to get enough to drink, and then how to drink in order not to get drunk once again.

There was lots of time spent tracking my drinking and measuring amounts! If I did not drink until the afternoon, I was allowed to drink more! If I did not blackout the night before, I was allowed to then drink a “little” more the next night. I even spend precious time searching for wine with the highest percentage of alcohol so I could get a quicker buzz with less drinking, and this was only so that I did not have to drink liquor because that would definitely mean a blackout. Either way it always meant a blackout.

awesome

When I was drinking, I would often say that I would drink half of the (BIG) bottle of wine and then save the second half for next day. Then I would “accidentally” go over the half, so I would just have another glass. Then there was not enough left for the next day, so I just figured that I would just finish the wine and get another bottle the next day.

I never thought that it was my drinking that was the cause of all my problems; it was always some outside force, or because I had a bad day or a good one, or I fell in love or fell out of love, it was a sunny day or rainy day, and on and on. I even blamed being caught for a DUI because I got lost following friends to a party – and not because I drank many Long Island Ice Teas and did a whole bunch of shots!

So here it is in black and white, I simply cannot moderate, it is either absolutely nothing or totally everything, and dieting does not fit because I cannot eat nothing, and I cannot eat everything either.

So well… I feel a bit stuck. However, I am going to keep trying. Now that I can see my crazy behavior and I am very aware of it, maybe I can slowly change it.

Have you had a similar experience with dieting or drinking? Do you have a hard time moderating too?


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31 Comments Add yours

  1. louloulou says:

    Aaah I feel your pain! Isn’t it HORRIBLE!! Salads…lettuce…spinach…I feel like a bloomin’ rabbit! AND I’ve given up the drink…maybe too much in one week? Maybe…but I’d feel better if I binge on the whisper-bars, not the wine!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know! It feels like giving up again! I can’t seem to get my mind into believing that I am actually doing something good for myself. And even the chocolate is better than getting drunk. I thinking these are all positives but I keep turning them into negatives. Well I’ll keep trying anyways, it’s bound to stick at some point! 🙂

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      1. Ashleigh says:

        Hey mom guess who?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ashleigh!? Ha ha. You are one funny girl!

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    2. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs.

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  2. A Drunken Disaster says:

    Ugh. The pains of having an addictive personality. I do exactly the same thing, everything in excess nothing in moderation

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I feel ya. But we can keep trying. I know that awareness is a good start. Now we just need a little change 🙂 Thanks for for stopping by. Hang in. Sending hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ainsobriety says:

    Yes. I have a history of disordered eating. I was very good at starving. I loved rigid eating plans. In fact, my ability to eat like that but not quit drinking frustrated me to no end. I was the queen of control.
    Of course, those are just symptoms of serious anxiety and obsessiveness. That rigid thinking got me nowhere.

    So- I’ve had to make peace with myself. Dieting doesn’t work anyway. And I’m not willing to introduce harsh restrictions into my life any more. Plus, my therapist is absolutely opposed. Lol
    So, I practice mindful eating. I try to have meals ready so I eat protein and veggies. But if I want toast, I have it. Being celiac limits my choices, which keeps my random eating somewhat in check.

    I threw my scale away a year ago. I am up about a size. But I have decided I am a happy size 8 instead of a obsessed and anxious size 6.

    I do yoga every day. Because I love it.

    Finding self acceptance has had to include accepting my body as it is. It’s an awesome body. I won’t be in sports illustrated any time soon, but I am completely willing to wear a bikini. Other people’s opinions are none of my business.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! For reminding me that self acceptance is so very important. And I really need to work on it more. It seems like my expectations of what I should look like are way up there. I’ve been on this diet for 6 weeks and I did lose weight, just not as much as in think I should. Or as fast. I just want it now! Ha. I need some patience too. Lol! Thanks for the great comment. Hugs.

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  4. I have the same, these extremes, the justifications, the denial, very recognisable. I need to lose some weight with a BMI above 30 but I have given up on dieting, I keep to my general life goal of wanting to become ‘clear’. In order to do that I think I need to be healthy too. I first cut alcohol because that was a must. Then I noticed I transferred my addiction to sugar which causes an instability in my bloodsugar level -> moodswings and binge eating. So currently I am studying sugar (google sugar addiction and man, this whole new world opens up). I have been sugar free(ish) for one month now apart from 2 evenings off the wagon with a cup of chocolatemilk. Next thing for me is gluten, at least for a month, hoping that will fix my reoccurring loose stool issue. Important to me now is that I only do what I can and not more. Doing more will send me spinning and get back into the addictive mode. I cannot afford that.
    I found a lot of info about dieting on youtube at doctor Eric Berg’s chanel, also Barbara O’Neill tells viewers loads about food. Eric Berg says: a healthy body / mind / spirit combination is not overweight, get the balance back and the weight drops automatically. He also differentiates between 4 bodytypes who have diferent weight and health issues. Barbara O’Neill says: detox first because an overworked liver will keep storing toxic waste in fat and work against a diet. She has a specific detox recipe which actually includes proteine at day 2-3 and further – that is a major important difference with all the other detox diets.
    Another general thing: calories are not the issue, the issue is where the calories come from and what your body does with them. Also: eating too little calories can actually make you gain weight because the body goes into survival mode.
    What I find, as with alcohol: when I (try to ;-)) take away the self loathing and the berating, things are way easier.
    I dropped 7,5 kilo’s in 9 months since I quit. I am guessing like with being sober; a year from now I would have wished I started today with at least thinking about it. And breathe, and let go of the berating and breathe and…. 🙂 It is not easy, but it is the only way.
    The comment is all very much information and little solace but I hope it helps you a little on your way.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. This so great information. I read your comment last night and I knew that I have to cut down on sugar and sugar substitutes. I put so much fake sugar in my coffee and tea. And after reading my post again I realized that I have a bad relationship with my diet. I am hating it when I should be proud that I am doing it. It is just like with alcohol. I couldn’t quit until I let go and accepted that things had to change and that it was for the better.

      Thank you for taking the time to write your comment. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 🙂 Glad it brought you something.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I think it takes time and practice to develop healthy eating habits that work for you. I recently realized that I have a wheat intolerance that was making me sick, so I have been trying to eat healthy, whole foods, but it has taken me two or three months to begin to feel comfortable with my new habits. There have been many mistakes, or learning experiences, along the way too. I try not to keep stuff around that I don’t want to eat, and have healthy snacks and simple meals for when I don’t feel like cooking. Keep going and it will get easier!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. It definitely takes time. I sure feel like I am getting sober again. I am impatient and just want it to make me happy and thin now! So I am definitely going to keep at it. Writing this post and reading all these wonderful comments has really helped. Thank you! Hugs.

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  6. SoberMom says:

    Girl…you KNOW that I struggle with this. I’m on the other end of the decision process however – diets don’t work so I’ve banned them! I try to eat healthy and moderately which is funny because I, like you, can’t do ANYTHING in moderation.

    Keep trying though – every step is progress.

    Sherry

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Lol. I know diets don’t really work. Well, diets used to work for me. I used to be able to lose weight fast. By now I would have dropped 20lbs. But I think my metabolism has really crashed after 40.

      I am definitely going to keep at it. It might be slow, but I’ll get there eventually. 🙂

      Thanks Sherry. Hugs.

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  7. freebreezi says:

    Totally get that. I’ve changed my mind set from i need to lose weight to I choose a healthy weight. It’s a start. Change comes from within first, it’s a daily habit to think constructively. Moderation is just another word, we have the strength to have success here to. It’s just a bugger it’s not an overnight success☺

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Love your comment! All so true. “Change comes from within.” Yes, yes. Of course it does. And it’s slow. And I need to change my thinking into positive for sure. I am not doing this to just look good. I am doing it to feel good and be healthy.

      Thank you. Hugs.

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  8. I can’t even do moderation in moderation! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Sober Geek says:

    For me, the issues I’ve experienced with trying to lose weight come from wanting instant results. I don’t want to lose a pound a week, I want to lose 20 pounds in a month. Well, that’s just not realistic. I think it’s very connected to the “instant gratification” seeking of drinking, at least for me. I wanted instant relief from pain and stress, and that’s why I drank.

    Dieting to lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time is a recipe for failure. Your body goes into starvation mode, and it’s no wonder that all you can do is think of food when your body thinks you’re starving! I used to do the dieting thing a lot too, but now I’m working on being good with a 500 calorie a day deficit, as I’m trying to lose 30 lbs currently. If I exercise more in a day and can eat more and still have my 500 calorie deficit, I give myself more food. It’s different from how I used to approach it. I used to hoard up those deficits on heavy exercise days. I’d think “Hey look! I have a 1200 calorie deficit!” And I would do that for a week or so and then get super hungry the next week and blow it. Ah, the “all or nothing” personality trait so many of us ex-drinkers know so well. I’ve lost about 6 pounds in the last 5 weeks just shooting for a 500 calorie deficit every day. I don’t feel deprived and I allow myself “forbidden” foods now and then, as long as I have my deficit. I also don’t obsess about the scale anymore. I used to do the same thing, watching the scale like a hawk, and it was de-motivating for me because it doesn’t move very quickly, and some days it just goes the wrong way. I just focus on getting my calorie deficit every day and let the rest take care of itself. Seems to be working well so far.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s great attitude. And you are so right about so many things. My diet is not super strict. Just low carbs and whatever Fitness Pal said to eat to lose 1 pound a week. So that’s 1200 calories. Nevertheless, I see this as a bad thing instead of good. I don’t see it as getting healthy, I see it as some horrible thing I am dreading to get through so I can return to normal eating as soon as possible. Sounds familiar? Yep. I would go through these times when I wanted to get my life back in order and I would quit drinking for like a month and just dread it the entire time. Couldn’t wait for it to be over.

      So what I really need is a new attitude! Lol! Thanks for the great comment. Hugs.

      Like

  10. Lisa Neumann says:

    My little trick (and I’m 51 years now, trying to look 25… ughhh) is that I remember anytime I am not eating I am losing weight. Period. I don’t have an aversion to the healthy stuff, I just like to eat. Everything. Everything tastes good to me. I often think food addiction the hardest of the addictions, because we can’t just drop it like we dropped booze. We have to find a way to communicate—food and body. I’m still working on this one. And like everything else, practice makes the master. xox Lisa

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like that! When I am not eating I am losing weight. Very cleaver. He he. Well today I decided that I would imagine all the good food I am putting in and how happy it makes my body.

      But I am the same. Everything tasts good. Actually I can’t think of a food I don’t like. Lol.

      Thanks Lisa. Hugs.

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  11. DEB says:

    WHENEVER I READ YOUR BLOGS, ITS AS IF YOU TOOK THE EXACT WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH. I WANT SO MUCH TO LEARN ALL THINGS IN MODERATION. I AM ON THE WAGON AGAIN. FOR ONE AND A HALF YEARS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO QUIT DRINKING. EACH TIME I QUIT ITS A LITTLE LONGER, BUT WHEN I SLIP I GO HUGE BINGE DRUNK. MY LAST ONE I HAD DRANK A LARGE BOTTLE OF WINE, AND FELL AND HAD AN ACCIDENT, TORE MY ARM UP REALLY BAD, AND WOULDNT LET MY HUSBAND TAKE ME TO ER THAT NIGHT CAUSE I WAS DRUNK. NEXT DAY I WENT AND HAD 21 STAPLES PUT IN, AND OF COURSE I WAS TOLD I SHOULD HAVE CAME RIGHT AWAY. THIS ALONE PLUS ALL THE OTHER TIMES I HAVE FALLEN DOWN DRUNK AND INJURED MYSELF,SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR ME TO CUT THE DRINKING OUT COMPLETELY. SO TIRED OF THIS VICIOUS CYCLE.I PRAY FOR INNER PEACE AND HEALING, MIND,BODY,SPIRIT. IM TWO PEOPLE, THE SOBER ME, AND THE DOMINENT DRUNKEN ME. STILL TRYING

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Deb. It’s so nice to hear from you. I am sorry you’re having a hard time, but please don’t give up. Any amount of time that you do stay sober is a miracle and a true gift. Keep trying and pushing forward. This is a cunning and barreling disease that tells us lies. Don’t listen to them. You are worth much more and you deserve a better life. You just keep trying. It took me a long time too. For 4 years I struggled on and off. I thought I was not capable of ever getting sober. But it happened and I got sober! And I truly believe that it will happen for you. Hang in. Sending many hugs.

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  12. adelebailey6 says:

    I love it!! I can totally relate to both obsessions. Firstly the drink … ANY reason to drink and the rationalising of it … its always something else or someone else’s fault never the drink!! The food … why is as soon as we tell ourselves we need to ‘cut back’ on something it immediately becomes the only thing we want!! Mental!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! So true! And in some crazy way it all makes perfect sense too! Ha! I am really tying to have a better attitude with my diet and my lettuce – lol. Not sure if I’ll ever convince myself that I really like it and it’s yummy. Give me some steak on top and …some chocolate shavings! Lol.

      Thanks for stopping by. Sending hugs.

      Like

  13. I can totally relate. I go through low carb phases and go ALL IN. It works for me because I can binge like a mofo AND lose weight at the same time. I go overboard on the sugar free shit though and always regret it. rumble So be it. I wish I could go big with exercise…kinda sucks that didn’t work out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! Right? I am still on this diet, lost a little weight. I guess I’ll just keep going. I am now rationing good in baggies, sort of gels like when I was rationing wine! Lol! Oh well…
      Thanks for stopping by! Sending big hugs.

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      1. Dag gone autocorrect! I meant rationing food, feels like rationing wine! Lol.

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