I know, it has been quiet over here at the Sober Courage blog. I have never missed a week of posts, or two or even three. But I had to step back and regroup.
I wanted to write about what has been going on, but I was stuck and unable to find the right words.
I have been stuck in the pain and the shame of failure.
But the only failure for me right now is to continue to be where I am. That would be giving up on myself and my life, and I refuse to do that!
Sometimes the best time to make decisions and find answers is in the quiet of your own thoughts, digging deep down in the core of your soul – they are always there. They have always been there but I had often ignored them.
I ignored that quiet voice that whispered softly and told me which way to go.
Before I got sober, I did not know that I had a parachute. I did not understand that I could change the course of my life at any time and for any reason at all. I did not feel that I had that power; I always felt that life was just kinda caring me… and I was just destined to float along no matter what was happening.
I was so, so wrong. I have a parachute. We all have a parachute.
We were not created to fail, or to destruct, or to disappear. We are meant to survive and flourish and live, we just have to open the parachute!
I recently had a moment of clarity – you know, that unexpected, deep clarity of some truth that has been impossible for me to see. Yeah, it was clear, it was so super clear – it was as clear as that moment when I woke up on the kitchen floor after a 3 day blackout and for the first time I was 100% sure that I was an alcoholic.
Yep. I had that moment again.
And just like back the with that realization, I felt a sense of surrender, and peace – something that is tough to explain. I felt lite and relieved. I felt an absolute stillness internally; I was not angry, I was not sad, and I was no longer afraid. It did not matter. Whatever was on the other side, I knew that was much better than what was right here in front of me.
I had that same feeling again – a complete, and very distinct clarity and I acted on it at that exact moment.
It’s now been a month since I filed for separation/divorce. It was an extremely difficult decision. I prayed every night for a sign from my Higher Power to let me know that this was the right choice for me and my family. And a week ago I got it… I found out that my husband had already moved on.
My quiet voice that whispered softly and told me which way to go… was completely correct.
So here I am. I never though that I would ever be in this place, and I am sure that no one ever does, but I guess this is life on life’s terms! And just like when I was getting sober, I am flooded with a whole bunch of crazy feelings that I can’t even describe. But recovery has taught me that I am worth way, much more than this. I no longer live in that dark place or partake in the notion that I am just less than everyone else in the entire world.
I survived addiction, I will survive this!
Yesterday, I saw this from the amazing Glennon Doyle Melton, and found my strength!
Here’s the truth I’ve learned: you are not supposed to be happy all the time.
Life hurts and it’s hard.
Not because you’re doing it wrong, because it hurts for everybody.
Don’t avoid the pain. Don’t numb it, don’t run from it.
Pain is not a hot potato. Pain is traveling professor.
All the wisdom and courage you need to become the person you are meant to be is inside your pain.
Be still with it, let the pain come, let it go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.
If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with alcohol addiction, please click the Find Support link for an extensive list of support groups. Also please check out the links to many useful resources in the sidebar, and always feel free to contact me anytime at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You may also find some great inspiration and support from all the awesome sober bloggers listed in the side bar under POSTS I LIKE and RECOVERY BLOGGERS, as well as Sober Courage page on Facebook and Sober Courage on Twitter.