To My Belly Button Birthday
Well, here is to another year on the planet!
Honestly, when I was drinking I did not think I would ever make it this long! I also did not think that I was going to go through a divorce, but than again I never thought that I would get married either. And my dad always said you have to try everything at least once… so I can add divorce to that list now! LOL! (I know, not really funny but… got to find the up-side of this in some way, right?)
So, yes, I finally decided to start talking about my divorce… because divorce is a lonely place.
The world feels too big for me right now. There is so much in front of me and so much behind, and trying to stay in the middle and in the now, has become extremely difficult.
I also found that there is lots of stigma with it and I am confused and lonely at times. People assume many things and they seem not to be as supportive as I would think they would be. After all, this was a super hard decision and it took a long time to make – but maybe they think I just gave up?
I did not give up!
Or maybe I did…
Yes… I gave up!!! I gave up being verbally and emotionally abused on almost daily basis, and I gave up on having my children live in a toxic environment! I did. I GAVE UP.
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. It’s aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little overtime, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode. (Reference article HERE.)
I did not want to split my family. I truly believe that marriage is till death due us apart. But at what expense? When do you draw a line and say this is not acceptable?
When do you take the steps to save yourself?
I know it is hard for some to believe that I suffered some really severe abuse. I never talked about it. For a long time I was in denial about what was going on, and when I finally realized it, I could not bare to tell a single soul because… well, because of a million reasons, just like all the reasons that I could not tell people that I was an alcoholic!
Nevertheless, when I decided to file for a divorce I somehow thought that we could make it simple and split stuff, and just go our separate ways. But, I do not know what the hell I was thinking – our entire relationship has been one big, toxic drama. Now the family is split, people are unfriending me on Facebook and everyone thinks that they are right! Did I really think that it was going to go a different way?
And now I get it. I totally get why people stay in abusive relationships. It is so super hard to get out. It is so super hard to realize that the person that you fell in love with and married is abusive. It wasn’t until our marriage counselor suggested that I keep a log of all the “events” that I started to see the pattern. And even then my denial ran so deep that I was just dismissing half of it and blaming it on a bad day, or bad weather, or lack of sleep. But in the end I felt like my last drunk – totally and utterly, emotionally bankrupt.
I’ve been dragging along doing whatever I thought was right, whatever would make things calmer, and just hoping that things would get better and this was just a phase, a very, very long phase. But, things did not get any better, the phase was now going on a 3rd year and in reality, things just got worse. Way, way worse.
And in the midst of this all my true friends have come through, and without any questions have supported me and loved me and let me cry and scream and get mad. I still have a long road to recovery, but I am taking steps to get some counseling and support so I can put myself back together.
And today my house is quiet. No one is yelling or fighting. The kids are getting along and the new routine has become a nice calm normal. My daughter and I have rebuilt our relationship and are closer than ever.
That alone validates my decision, which really was the most difficult one I have ever, ever, ever made. But probably the most important – well, next to getting sober – definitely the most important. But you know, if I never got sober I would have probably stayed in this situation for the rest of my life! So here is another one to add to the reasons why I am grateful to be sober today!
And one more reason… a nice, peaceful, happy birthday spent with my kids!
***If you have experienced any type of verbal and/or emotional abuse, or you are not sure if you have but suspect, there is help! Check out these sites for more information:
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