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I Recover Out Loud but I Still Depend On the Anonymity in Meetings


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I do not usually get angry and rant, but this has really affected me, and I feel that anonymity is a very important topic and I need to speak out.

As many of you may know by now, I am going through a nasty divorce, well, I am really at the beginning of it all but it has already become nasty. We have been separated for five months and it has been a horribly difficult transition for all of us, and a totally devastating blow right in the gut for me. Yet, I can already see that it has been the best decision I have ever made, and I only wish I would have made it sooner.

Nevertheless, the family is split, people have taken clear and definite sides, and I am truly finding out who my real friends are. Also in the program we have many mutual friends, and it appears that the fellowship has also taken sides. YEP. Never would I have thought this would happen or be possible, but it did and so much so that people are completely disregarding mine or even his anonymity.


Meetings are supposed to be safe places for us – I depend on that! I depend on the fact that what I say here is supposed to stay here. That is why anonymity continues to be so important within the rooms!


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Yet people have taken it up onto themselves to relay what I share in meetings to my ex-husband. And guess what – you have put me in a super dangerous situation because now my abuser has more fuel to abuse me with. Yep. That is how I know it is happening.

But really beyond my issue, because I have already confronted that person – how does it feel to put someone down who has come in to share their struggles so they can remain sober and keep trudging on this path, and you decide to take that upon yourself and distribute this information so callously?  How would you feel if that happened to YOU!

And what about the new comers? DO you remember how hard it was to set your foot in the door?  To not feel like everyone was staring at you? To be so scared that you wanted to run out half way through?

It is so very sad that someone would do this.

Though I realize that we are all human, and we all certainly make mistakes. But this was absolutely inhumane and I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

How do I feel safe again? How do I trust again? Where do I go for help? Do I have to go to another town for meetings now? And if our secrets will take us out – how do I then share them safely??? I must stay sober and have a safe place to go for help!

red stop signage under clear blue sky

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I wish I could say that this was the firs time. I wish I could tell you that people did not share with me what my ex-husband said in meetings either. But they do. I wish I could tell you that these persons meant no harm. But I cannot say any of that, and that is why I am writing about this.

Please, I beg of you, keep anonymity strong and always when in meetings, because you never know really what a person may be going through and how it will affect them when you share this often so sensitive information with people who are unsafe!


“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” 

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  1. I’d love to have a one-on-one “chat” with those people who broke your anonymity (or anyone else’s). I am pissed just reading this. Listen, many people understand anonymity, but many people are also assholes. They may be dry / sober, but they’re still assholes. I know there are a lot of sick people in the rooms, which is why I am also selective in who I share certain things too. I can talk about other things in meetings without feeling that I am safe, and that’s fine. I think this is also why it’s important to have not only the sponsor, but a close group of people to call on for certain things.

    Your situation is different in that you’re in the same-ish circles and people have clearly taken sides. That sucks.In a perfect world that wouldn’t happen, but as you mentioned, we are human. We’re no spiritual giants.

    Anyway, I feel and understand your anger and just pray that you find the people you need to find to lean on and get away from the drama.

    Blessings and hugs


    Liked by 1 person

    • Right, I don’t share super personal stuff either. Those are for sponsors. And I wasn’t sharing anything sensitive. But the fact that this person went straight to my ex and repeated my share, that’s what is mind blowing. It’s like a whole new level. Anyway. Thank you Paul for your support. I’ll be sure to be more protective of what I share. That’s for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is terrible. I am so sorry to hear that. I take the anonymity VERY seriously and sadly have been surprised how other people don’t, and how gossipy AA is, which means that I definitely don’t share as openly, like perhaps in the early days I would have thought I would..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes things are better shared with a sponsor. Over time we learn who is trustworthy and who is not. Maybe you can share about how you are staying sober through this divorce and see if people share that. KCB

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow Magz. Really strong post. Isn’t it crazy how our weakness becomes our strength?

    I think you are brace for posting this. For putting it all out there. And I pray hat those who need to read if, get to read it. That they can follow your lead, drop their guard and let it out! You are so inspiring Magz. So glad I know you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The best book I ever read during a horrific divorce in which everyone chose sides (and the kids were traumatized) is A Return to Love. I can say that it changed everything about my outlook and my life. (It’s Oprah’s favorite too, for what it’s worth).
    Know that one day it will a distant memory. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

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