Who Am I Becoming?
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.
That is a true question that I struggle with every day. Because every day I make thousands of decisions about how to be, what to say, and who to interact with and why. Often I question myself while abandoning my true feelings in any given situation.
It’s like standing at the edge of the open door on an airplane, getting ready to jump and I just freeze, and there is no one to push me out but me, and it’s hard to push your own self out of a plane. Sometime I just close my eyes and jump anyway, and then hope for the best. When I land safely I am relieved. Phew. I survived that one. But often I cannot and I turn around and sit back inside the plane, and wait for it to just land.
I’ve been thinking about that often, because I am really striving to become my authentic self. And although I know who I am as my authentic self I am still scared to show it all.
I really try. I try every day. But something is often stopping me still. I know who I want to be. But every time I face the choice to show myself, I stand at that open door of the plane and often, it’s just too scary to take the step forward and jump.
Will it be enough? Will it be too much? Will there be judgement? Stigma?
Trying to find my identify after getting sober seemed like a daunting task. First I find out that I am an alcoholic and then I realize that I don’t even know what is my favorite color.
My addiction had robbed me of my identity and I had no idea who I was without it.
They say the same man will drink again, so I worked really hard to not be the same, because well, I did not want to drink again. The problem here was, that the not knowing who I was, made it hard not to do, or be the same, because if you’re supposed to do something different but you don’t know who you are/were, you can’t do anything different.
This left me constantly wondering about who I was, and where did I actually fit in, and what was really important. Is it all really that important? The rain does not wonder if it is rain, it just rains. The flowers do not wonder if they are flowers, they just bloom. Maybe I am just a human and that’s all and everything! Is it?
I do know who I do not want to be, and I do know exactly what people I no longer need or want around me. It’s been too long that I have been accepting behavior from people who had no business being in my life whatsoever. It’s time to clean house, and protect me.
The people who I want are loving and caring and none judgmental! I want the people who are transparent and true. I want those who will support and lift me up, because in turn I will learn to support and lift up me and them up too. But I must be open to giving in order to receive it.
Of the people you know, who sees and relishes your true self? Who isn’t too afraid of your passion, or too envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are gold. Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them. They are, quite simply, the way out. – How To Love Yourself First
So I finally understand the saying that we first must love ourselves to be able to love someone else, because you can’t give what you do not transmit yourself. Which now brings me back a full circle to the opened airplane door… if I don’t jump and allow myself to be open to whatever happens, I cannot find or possess love, for love can only be found within me. If I deny it than I am closing the door on the greatest gift of all – self love.
I cannot open to others until I am open to myself
I cannot be true to others until I am true to myself
I cannot be a friend until I am my own friend
I cannot truly love until I trully love myself
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