Coming Back From The Ledge
Not long ago, I attempted to take my life by drinking myself to death. It was my first attempt ever and today, I am happy to say that I am glad that I was not successful. I was very lucky that after guzzling copious amount of wine, and swallowing handful of pills, I freaked out, and in a flustered panic, and fear that I actually might be successful and die, I dialed 911.
My life has not been easy. I have faced Alcohol Use Disorder, PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and domestic violence. I also have legal and custody issues due to the Alcohol Use Disorder, and I have recently gone through a high conflict divorce that drained me mentally, physically and financially. With everything piling up and continuously growing, it all became too much and I saw no other way out.
But after dialing 911 that day, I ended up in a psychiatric unit of a hospital in a small city named Hopewell. HOPE – WELL! Really?? I still can’t stop thinking, that this could not have been just a mere coincidence – the hospital is 143 miles from where I live, and there are plenty of hospitals near my house. There must have been a reason that I ended up there, if only for the name of the city that included the word HOPE, that would help me find my hope again.
The hospital was small and cozy. The staff was calm and gentle, and smiled lots which was very aggravating at first since I felt miserable. The rooms overlooked the trees and fields. The food was pretty tasty and plentiful. Besides having to wear scrubs for clothing the place was ok. But none of that mattered because I was still livid that I did not succeeded in my plan, and now I had to continue my dreadful life!
I was not happy to be there. It seemed like the worst thing in the world, and I couldn’t get past the fact that I have now failed at committing a suicide! I was angry because I couldn’t even get that right, because I have failed at everything else. If I just tried harder! I kept thinking that as soon as I get out of this fucken place I will try again! Oh, why am I still alive, the thoughts continued to swirl, being admitted to a psych ward was way worse than dying!
Sounds crazy, right? But that is how depressed and hopeless I was. I was so tired and drained by all my problems. I just felt like I could not keep going. It was all way too much to handle. Most of all I felt like there was absolutely nothing else left for me to do in my life – I have already gone to college, got the career, got married, bought the perfect house, had kids, and a dog, and even got divorced. There was nothing left to do! Nothing! Even though my three kids, and a dog definitely need me, I made justifications that they would be ok without me because they still have a dad and a grandma and many family members. They would be just fine without me.
I am not sure when I found my hope and will to live. I think it was the fellow survivors that I spent 9 days with, who finally opened up my eyes! One by one I saw them getting admitted. Their faces gray and blank just like mine was. You could see that all their hope and will to live had been sucked out of them and they definitely were not happy about being at the hospital either. But a few days later those same people, looked completely different – they were smiling, and even laughing, and getting better! It was truly inspiring!
So, the last two years of my life have been quite challenging for me. I spent many days crying and feeling hopeless. But now I see how those challenges have all made me stronger and wiser. I was finally able to get out of my darkness and start seeing the light – my light, shining brightly, and strongly!
I would love to share my journey over the past two years with all of you, in hopes that you too may find your way out of the darkness and find your light. I am also hoping that this will help me processes more deep-rooted feelings and also allow me to see how far I have come in this journey, and what I was able to get through, because sometimes it is the hardest to see the progress for yourself.
So, I have created a 4 part blog post that I will be sharing with you in the following weeks. The first part I will talk about my divorce and how that had impacted me and my sobriety. I really hope that you stop by and check it out!
If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)*, please check out the Sober Courage menu at the top of this page for an extensive list of support groups and recovery related articles.
*Problem drinking that becomes severe is given the medical diagnosis of “alcohol use disorder” or AUD. AUD is a chronic relapsing brain disease characterized by compulsive alcohol use, loss of control over alcohol intake, and a negative emotional state when not using (Ref: NIAAA).