portrait of a young woman in forest
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Did I want to drink? I honestly do not remember – at this point, I was 9.5 years sober and drinking was just not a part of my life. However, in midst of the chaos of splitting money, accounts, and furniture, getting ready for court, and trying to establish some normalcy for my kids, I did not see that my pain had reached a great level of suffering and I fell into a deep dark depression…

My self-esteem was none existent. Life became unbearable and honestly, I am so glad that I have kids to take care of because I think it would have felt even worse. Or maybe not, maybe I would have had more time to actually take care of me. Not sure. The debate is still going on with that one. But at times even that didn’t matter – I was simply just going through the motions of everyday life.

Then the day came when the kids were at his house, and for the first time ever I was completely alone in this house – all by myself, confound by the eerie quietness, and the echo of the TV bouncing off the walls. I felt empty. I hated it. I hated being alone.

Then self-doubt crept in, and that swiftly turned into a constant, brewing anger! And almost every day I asked myself “What the fuck have you done?! What the fuck!?!

“You fucked it all up.”

photo of a person leaning on wooden window
Photo by Dương Nhân on

In my first post after the initial days of the separation called Be Still My Broken Heart, I wrote:

My insides had been transformed to absolutely nothing. Just pain. This is the end, I thought. This is really the end. And the tears just keep flowing, like a blood stream from a cut vein, and I can’t stop them. I feel ashamed as the train fills with people and I can feel their glares and stares piercing thru my soul.

But honestly, in so many ways, I do not remember this time very well. There was no one to talk to since I never told anyone about the abuse or his infidelity. I went to meetings and sat quietly in the back then mingled after as if nothing was happening.

The pain was constant, the anxiety never-ending and the depression deep and scary. I lost 30 lb in 2 months. I was pale, and my skin was drooping from the sudden weight loss. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t do much of anything. I tried to just continue my life as if nothing ever happened, you know, for the kid’s sake. But who was I fooling? They knew I knew, there was no way to hide from this.

woman looking at sunset
Photo by Pixabay on

If I knew then how difficult divorce would be I am not sure I would have filed – and this is a truly honest feeling, even though now I am really glad that I did file for a divorce and I am 100% sure that this was the right thing to do. Yet, the last 2 years have been the most difficult and heartbreaking years of my life. Even harder than the year, my mom passed away – for in that instance there was a certain end, and in this instance, the end is still the most uncertain.

The pain of losing the one you once loved, hurts, but I need to learn how to deal with the pain of divorce so I can begin to move forward and start rebuilding my life. While the pain may seem unbearable right now, I believe that it will ease with time, I am sure.

To be continued…

This is a 4 part personal story. Depression is part 2.
To read Part 1Divorce, click HERE.
To read Part 3Relapse click HERE.
To read Part 4Hope click HERE.


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