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Depression

portrait of a young woman in forest

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Did I want to drink? I honestly do not remember – at this point I was 9.5 years sober and drinking was just not a part of my life. However, in midst of the chaos of splitting money, accounts and furniture, getting ready for court, and trying to establish some normalcy for my kids, I did not see that my pain had reached a great level of suffering and I fell into a deep dark depression…

My self-esteem was none existent. Life became unbearable and honestly I am so glad that I have kids to take care of because I think it would have felt even worse. Or maybe not, maybe I would have had more time to actually take care of me. Not sure. The debate is still going on with that one. But at times even that didn’t matter – I was simply just going through the motions of everyday life.

Then the day came when the kids were at his house, and for the first time ever I was completely alone in this house – all by myself, confound by the eerie quietness, and the echo of the TV bouncing off the walls. I felt empty. I hated it. I hated being alone.

Then self-doubt crept in, and that swiftly turned into a constant, brewing anger! And almost every day I asked myself “What the fuck have you done?! What the fuck!?!

“You fucked it all up.”

photo of a person leaning on wooden window

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In my first post after the initial days of the separation called Be Still My Broken Heart, I wrote:

My insides had been transformed to absolutely nothing. Just pain. This is the end, I thought. This is really the end. And the tears just keep flowing, like a blood stream from a cut vein, and I can’t stop them. I feel ashamed as the train fills with people and I can feel their glares and stares piercing thru my soul.

But honestly, in so many ways, I do not remember this time very well. There was no one to talk to since I never told anyone about the abuse or his infidelity. I went to meetings and sat quietly in the back then mingled after as if nothing was happening.

The pain was constant, the anxiety never-ending and the depression deep and scary. I lost 30 lb in 2 months. I was pale, and my skin was drooping from the sudden weight loss. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t do much of anything. I tried to just continue my life as if nothing ever happened, you know, for the kid’s sake. But who was I fooling? They knew, I knew, there was no way to hide from this.

I do remember meeting with the ex after I had drafted the first divorce paperwork and my lawyer advised me to tell him about it first before I email the documents to him. Through the conversation he was very apologetic – as always after a huge fight. He admitted his faults and said he would try to do better. I handed him the printed copy of the Separation Agreement and he got up abruptly and left.

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I sat there on the couch for a while wondering if maybe this time he really meant that he would try to do better, like he always promised, but then I forced myself to remember our last fight, and what finally threw me over the edge.

If I knew then how difficult divorce would be I am not sure I would have filed – and this is a truly honest feeling, even though now I am really glad that I did file for a divorce and I am 100% sure that this was the right thing to do. Yet, the last 2 years have been the most difficult and heartbreaking years of my life. Even harder than the year my mom passed away – for in that instance there was a certain end, and in this instance the end is still the most uncertain.

To be continued…

This is a 4 part personal story. Depression is part 2. To read part 1 – Divorce, click HERE.

Click the Follow Sober Courage button to get an update for the next part of my story: Relapse




If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)*, please check out the Sober Courage menu at the top of this page for an extensive list of support groups and recovery related articles.

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*Problem drinking that becomes severe is given the medical diagnosis of “alcohol use disorder” or AUD. AUD is a chronic relapsing brain disease characterized by compulsive alcohol use, loss of control over alcohol intake, and a negative emotional state when not using (Ref: NIAAA).

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4 Comments »

  1. I have not been far from your journey. (Just busy with work and family.) This is a beautiful post. I just wanted to drop a note and let you know you are loved. You are strong. Your writing matters. HUGS from me to you (and your precious family). Lisa

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not sure how this is sharing a message of hope – you describe your self pity well but did God play any part in your recovery – its really a big whinge about “what has happened to you” not in any way how you OVERCAME your difficulties

    Like

    • This is a 4 part personal story. This is 2nd part. The next 2 parts will include how I overcame my difficulties.
      Also, God is not always a part of everyones recovery. And depression is NOT self-pity.

      Like

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