*From the Sober Courage mailbox*
“I started thinking, “Is this the song that never ends for me?”, or is it me?
On one hand, I had to take a real close critical look at myself and my patterns, and intrinsic behaviors, and on the other hand, I had to take a gentler look at my whole life up until now, what I have been through, survived, my personal accomplishments, things that I love about myself, and look forward to, as a sober and clear human being.
When it comes to relationships, ending them sometimes is simply necessary to regain strong personal and intimate “footing”, instead of habitually “goat-pathing” our way, looking for the easiest and most comfortable paths to “wear out”, that never seems to get us anywhere.
Even when ending a relationship feels “better” on most levels, I have still gone through the grieving process, sort of still am, but just like alcohol, I won’t let myself relapse back into that relationship, or start another.
Our lives are important! Who we are and what we want and need will always be slightly mysterious, a journey of self-exploration has many different paths, and with that, I’m sure, will come a lot of growth and many personal changes.
Drinking for 35yrs. of my life, I learned many ways to be what people wanted me to be, to “slink” in and out of situations like a chameleon, always feeling inside like a blank piece of paper, living off of appearances and manipulations, self-doubt, fears, and insecurities; now I have committed myself to sobriety and I know throughout the journey ahead of me I will grow, some things won’t be the same, or feel the same, I WILL CHANGE.
I think people addicted to alcohol including me, are very complex people, always in the “habit” of adapting and “shape-shifting”, so new discoveries will create change, in ourselves, relationships, and environments. It’s sort of inevitable.
I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE. Be confident in your change, IT WAS INEVITABLE. Embrace every new day of freedom, and grow.
This blog a great read, and something I can share with my wife so she understands what I’m going through. Sober nine months now (fist bump), and I didn’t even know I was on the pink cloud. I experienced a perfect state of euphoria up until now. While still attending meetings, I got into the mindset that sobriety is easy now, life is great, I’ve gone through the steps, and I don’t really need to read the big book. These are dangerous assumptions to make.
God blessed me with a person from my past contacting me whom I needed to make amends to. She forgave me but with her life in shambles, I took it upon myself to help her. My ego popped up out of nowhere and I started feeding off her emotions.
My own emotions came back quickly and I dealt with an overwhelming sense of guilt and remorse for all my actions in the past. I started to combat this by boosting my ego even more. Scary right? Needless to say, I slipped back into my addictive mindset. While I didn’t drink, I can see how toxic this is and how if continued could lead to a relapse. The good news is that my sponsor kicked the crap out of me (we need tough love sometimes), and combated all of the “buts” I was giving him.
So here I am, a wave of emotions, but I know what to do. Read the book, go to God, attend even more meetings. I’ll get back on that cloud and I’m doing what I need to do. BUT, falling off the cloud certainly is traumatic, and it’s incredible how fast our character defects can creep back up if left unchecked. Sobriety is a life long process and I’m doing what I need to. God bless you all and happy recovery!”