Guest Post Author – Sober Courage

TRAUMA AND THE 12 STEPS by Jaime Marich (Book Overview)

07/27/202011/12/2020 by Magz, posted in Guest Post Author

TRAUMA AND THE 12 STEPS, REVISED AND EXPANDED : AN INCLUSIVE GUIDE TO ENHANCING RECOVERY
A research-based, trauma-informed guide to working the 12 steps for clinicians, sponsors and those in recovery

About the book
For some who struggle with substance addiction, a 12-step recovery model offers the support they need when transitioning to recovery. And for many people also coping with lived trauma, it’s not nearly enough.

Recovering addicts are frequently faced with a host of additional, often interrelated, challenges including grief, dissociation and more. According to the latest research, these experiences are apt predictors of a person’s capacity for long-term sober living. Yet conventional 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) have largely failed to catch up to the science. Still today, a recovering addict may not feel welcome at their local 12-step meeting if they identify as LGBTQIA+; are atheist, agnostic or otherwise spiritually marginalized or traumatized; have had a negative or traumatizing experience at an AA or NA meeting; or have been discouraged from exploring the relationships between trauma and addiction within the context of their own recovery. Many 12-step fellowships still discourage meeting attendees from “dwelling” on their past experiences, which we now know may very likely inhibit a person’s recovery.

About the author
Jaime Marich, Ph.D., LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, travels internationally speaking on EMDR therapy, trauma, addiction, expressive arts and mindfulness while maintaining a private practice in Warren, OH. She is the developer of the Dancing Mindfulness practice and co-creator of the Yoga Unchained approach to trauma-informed yoga. Marich is the author of seven books, including the popular EMDR Made Simple and EMDR Therapy and Mindfulness for Trauma Focused Care, written in collaboration with Dr. Stephen Dansiger.

Adapted excerpt: There is a solution
One evening, Nancy showed up at the community drug and alcohol facility in her county with an all-too-familiar feeling: I’ve been here before. Her feeling was justified. In the previous 12 years, Nancy had gone through 12 or 13 treatment facilities. She lost count somewhere around five. Additionally, she participated in AA during and after each treatment episode at the suggestion of each facility, yet she was never able to piece together any more than four months of sobriety. The funny thing was that Nancy never really minded going to AA; she always knew she belonged there. Something just never quite clicked for her.

Nancy sat down with the assessment counselor, still dressed up from an exhausting day of work at a job she hated. There was weariness in her eyes as she explained that the municipal court sent her for treatment after her third driving under the influence (DUI) charge. Nancy knew the lingo of 12-step recovery and treatment and did not need any convincing that she was an alcoholic or an addict.

“Oh, you don’t have to diagnose me, I know,” she said candidly. “But I can never seem to stay sober, even when I try my hardest.”

The assessment counselor, pretty sure that she had established enough rapport with Nancy, began to ask some very tough questions about her history. What emerged from the rest of the interview was the picture of a woman with a complex case of post-traumatic stress disorder due to multiple sexual assaults accompanied by life-threatening violence. Sadly, the perpetrator in many of these assaults was her one time husband.

“I know that all of this is an issue,” Nancy told the counselor, “I just can’t seem to get it all out. And when it comes time for me to do a fourth and fifth step in AA, I just run. I can’t look at myself. All I see is garbage—it’s too painful, and I run.”

Too often, people labeled as “chronic relapsers” are really just struggling with the aftereffects of unresolved trauma. The legacy of this wounding can last for years, even decades, making tasks like doing fourth and fifth steps paralyzing impossibilities for the traumatized. This is not to say that a person with unresolved trauma can never do fourth and fifth steps. On the contrary, working all 12 steps can actually be beneficial for a traumatized person. When worked within a safe context that honors the wounds and scars left by trauma, the individual’s chances of success in working the steps and staying sober are optimized.

Honor the struggle. Sounds simple, no? Yet every time a treatment provider dismisses the impact of a client’s history in favor of the “they’re just addicts” mentality, they reject this simple solution. I first heard the phrase, “honor the struggle,” from one of the best bosses I ever worked for, Ken Lloyd. The CEO of the community facility where I was on staff when I first met Nancy, Mr. Lloyd, always stressed the importance of honoring the struggle that our clients experienced before coming to us. He asked us to continue honoring their struggle as they attempted to learn a new way of life in sobriety.

There are those who argue that placing too much emphasis on a client’s history before entering recovery is the kiss of death. A major aspect of 12-step recovery is to teach an addict to live in today. Several major psychotherapeutic schools of thought like reality therapy or choice theory and rational-emotive (RE) behavioral therapy also emphasize the importance of living in the now and not dwelling on the past. However, it is important to consider that our histories shape the people we are today. So, is there a balance? Can we teach recovering addicts to live one day at a time while honoring the struggle of their past, present and future?

Example “Toolkit Strategy” from the book:
Self-inquiry—taking a look at yourself, your tendencies and your biases—is a skill. Knowing where you currently stand on your approach to working with people affected by addiction is critical. This knowledge includes self-inquiry about your thoughts, feelings and experiences with developing a trauma-sensitive approach to this healing work.

Take a few minutes to write down how you would describe your approach to working with people in recovery. You can use the language of psychotherapeutic theory (e.g., 12- step model, cognitive behavioral therapy, somatic psychotherapy), or you can keep your language informal, especially if you are not a treatment professional (e.g., “working a 12-step program”). If writing is not feasible to you, simply spend three to five minutes in silent reflection or with a trusted person in conversation.
Consider if there is room in your current approach to take on new, trauma-informed skills. If you have reservations about considering the role of trauma and how it can affect treatment, spend a few moments and jot down what your reservations may be about learning these new approaches. This is not intended to be an exercise in shaming or judgment. If you are willing, perhaps consider sharing some of these reservations with a person (e.g., fellow colleague, another member of a recovery program) and notice what you notice about yourself.
What might you need in the way of support to take a more open view of this material? As a hint, you may find it more useful to replace the phrase “open-minded” with “open-hearted.” Being open-hearted invites us into a greater sense of empathy in connecting with our fellow human beings. When we can connect with each other at the heart level, the sense of separateness and division can vanish. Bridges are more likely to be built.

Contact Info
Jamie Marich (she/they), Ph.D., LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, REAT, RYT-500, RMT
Founder, Mindful Ohio & The Institute for Creative Mindfulness
EMDRIA Certified Therapist/Approved Consultant/Trainer

330-881-2944
jamie@jamiemarich.com
www.instituteforcreativemindfulness.com
www.dancingmindfulness.com
www.jamiemarich.com

Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded
An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery
Dr. Jamie Marich | July 7, 2020 | North Atlantic Books | Trade paperback: USD $17.95 / $23.95 CAN
ISBN: 9781623174682 | 6 x 9 | 252 pp | Ebook: USD $12.99 / $22.95 CAN | ISBN: 9781623174699
Publicity contact: Julia Sadowski, jsadowski@northatlanticbooks.com.

How I Realized I Was Addicted to Relapsing

09/21/201811/12/2020 by Magz, posted in Guest Post Author, Relapse & Recovery

person holding head facing body of water — Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

Written by Peter Lang

In many 12-step meetings, you pick up a white chip whenever you come back in after a relapse. A common joke between people who relapse repeatedly, is to say that we have enough white chips to tile a bathroom. Up until recently, this was definitely me.

I have had a history with drug and alcohol addiction since I was a teenager. It runs in my family on both sides, and my mom used to bring me to support meetings with her when I was a kid, where I was told they were “saving a seat for me.” I’ve been seesawing between meetings and active addiction ever since until the last time I went back into recovery.

As I was going through early the early days again, I realized, though, that there is a euphoric high that comes from getting your life back together after a relapse. It can feel pretty good to have everyone clap for you during a meeting when you tell them you’re coming back after a relapse. It can feel pretty good to work with a new sponsor and get excited about a recovery program again. It can feel pretty good to feel like your loved ones are all proud of you.

In 12-step meetings, you often see those who are new in sobriety expressing feelings of grandiose happiness in spite of any negative events that are actually happening in reality. This is called a “pink cloud.” While it can be a positive thing, it can also be a complete denial of negative circumstances and consequences that come after a relapse. It can be just another delusion, and delusion can often lead us back to drinking or using drugs.

Those who have been in support programs for a long time can typically see through these delusions. And they aren’t usually trying to be downers or discourage newly sober people from attending meetings and throwing their lives into recovery, but they’re trying to keep the newbies grounded in reality.

Even if the “high” you experience in early sobriety isn’t based in delusion but is just a result of life getting better in recovery, this can be just another “high” an person ends up chasing. When I realized this, I realized how important having a support program like a 12-step program really is. And whether your program is SMART Recovery, 12-steps, or another method, it’s important that you follow through and complete the whole program, even after that initial high wears of.

I have definitely been exhibiting addictive behavior before even when I was technically sober. Because even if we are completely clean and sober in terms of drugs and alcohol, we can still be chasing other highs. For some people, it’s checking their smartphones 80 times a day to look at their social media notifications. For some people, it’s going to the gym multiple times a day to get that runner’s high. For others, it can be going on a shopping spree and buying a lot of stuff you don’t need. And in a way, we’re all addicted to something. Sure, some of these are natural highs that are rewards for healthy behavior—like feeling great when you’re eating healthy or the rush of endorphins you get after working out—but they can be destructive highs all the same.

I think the only true way to stop relapsing and to stop chasing highs—whether it’s in e-mails, sugar consumption, sex, gambling, etc.—is to recognize that behavior in ourselves. We’re all human beings. We’re all going to make mistakes and mess up sometimes. And yes, overdoing it on the chocolate cake one night certainly isn’t as destructive as picking up a bottle or using an even more dangerous and addictive drug, but I think we want to be self-aware enough to notice when we are chasing highs—even if it’s in healthy activities like exercising or going to support meetings.

And once we notice that behavior in ourselves, we can turn back to our recovery program. I actually believe anyone—even people not suffering from any addictions—could benefit from a recovery program, like a 12-step based program, which has been the most effective program in my life. And I would encourage everyone to think about their own behavior and where their addictions are. Because with a good support system and an effective program, it’s possible to overcome any addiction.

I think it is because I have had these realizations that this has been my longest time in recovery without relapsing. And it gives me hope to know that even for us who may have relapsed several times, long-term recovery is entirely possible.

This blog post was sponsored by:
The Recovery Village® | an Advanced Recovery Systems Brand

6 Ways to Support a Loved One in Addiction Recovery

06/27/201811/12/2020 by Magz, posted in Guest Post Author, Recovery Tools

by Carl Towns

“All the suffering, stress, and addiction comes from not realizing you already are.

What you are looking for.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn, U.S. Professor of Medicine Emeritus

My wife and I love this quote. It captures beautifully what we’ve been telling each other for years, and it has proved to be particularly poignant in the previous few months to my writing this. Why? Simply because my wonderful, unique and often crazy (in a good way) wife has spent most of that time going back and forth from a rehab facility about an hour or so drive from our family home. She was going because an addiction she suspected I was suffering from, one day, it just up and grabbed me by the soul, and sent me hurtling down its seemingly bottomless pit.

Our marriage, a good and strong marriage our friends apparently envied, started crumbling to dust, and every day brought new problems, new situations, and real conflicts that neither of us was prepared for. Our kids, both under the age of 10, professed a deep desire to go and live with their grandmother. And our house, our home, before full of security and care, became like an insecure foreign land we had been exiled to, full of unforeseen and unknowable dangers.

Alcohol, if you’re wondering. That addiction came first. For how long exactly, I’m inclined to think it slowly started when we got married. Actually, I kept it all so cleverly hidden, so well disguised and covered up, that she, my wife, was as clueless as the next person. Yes, there were clearer signs towards the eventual surrender, but, by then, it was too late. Way too late. Somehow, I was “sourcing” diazepam too. The dual effect on me truly was frightening. You think you really know someone. See them addicted, and you will see and know someone else.

This article (the act of writing, I hope, will clarify my thoughts and feelings) is based upon the sound advice given to me by our rehab’s medical professionals (psychologists, therapists, doctors and nurses), our own family doctor, as well as my discussions with the families of other incumbents there, and, yes, my own experience, growing daily as it is. I love her and she was (and still is) my rock during this time. It’s that simple. This is how we do it now and how we will continue to do it: 6 ways to support a loved one in addiction recovery.

Before we begin, remember this:

Treatment in a facility, such as a rehab center, is about getting clean and sober.
What comes after you leave there, something much harder for the recovering addict is about staying clean and sober.

The Loneliness

In the very early days of my days being home, my clear sense of loneliness was hard to truly understand for her. She constantly strove to lighten my mood, to try and make me laugh and smile. Most of the time, to be truthful, I either gave her a fake laugh or a fake smile, just to keep her happy. How hard was it to understand? Very. As my therapists told her later on, my need to reflect and think about what my addiction recovery truly meant, the impact it would have on my life and those around me, takes time to digest, to ponder, and to comprehend.

My connections with my wife, the kids, our extended family, our friends, even the world beyond our front door, all of them had to be looked at in a new and different way for me. Yes, back at the beginning, my wife and I were hopeful, and we remain so, it was my way of getting used to everything again, but differently. I remember explaining her once, “It feels like they’ve peeled back my skin and exposed every single nerve ending.” Basically, I felt raw. To an extent, I still do.

I feel guilty. I can’t take it back, whatever I do, and I know it. I sit with her when we talk about what happened, and all I can do is offer my complete understanding, she gives me forgiveness. It wasn’t me, it was my addiction. Always let your loved one know this. Guilt is one of the main reasons your loved one will feel lonely, and isolated in some way.

The Education

She tried her best at the beginning of my recovery, however, she soon realized that she was no professional addiction expert, not by a long way. “Don’t expect to be,” one psychologist told her, “Leave that to us.” And so she did, even though I’m back at school, learning as much as I can about addiction, its contributing factors, and its recovery. The best education you can get is studying the writings and thoughts of other addicts and their loved ones.

Remember, you don’t need to be an authority on addiction to help and support your loved one. You simply need to let them know as clearly as you can that they are still loved, still cherished, and still such a significant part of your life, as you wish to be in theirs.

The New Activities

One of the best ways my wife found and pursued in helping me reconnect with the world was through encouraging new activities for us to share. Exercise is one of the most important parts of a recovery from addiction; it provides important daily structure for an addict, as well as showing them the fun that can be had without the stimulus of the substance they abused.

Get this. My wife actually got me designing my own exercise program for us to share, which now involves running with the dog, cycling with the kids, 3 trips a week to the gym, and extra washing-up and laundry duty for me. Not so sure about that last one.

Additionally, I attend a number of local AA meetings every week, and she goes with me to the “open” ones. Through these, I am slowly building a support network and making all-important new connections.

Listen, Don’t Preach

You and I, as we have discussed, will never be experts. Therefore, you are in no position to lecture or preach, even if you occasionally get the urge to. My wife resolved to never throw blame at me for anything that happened during my active addiction, and I implore you to adopt the same stance.

I also implore you to hone your listening skills as she has done. That’s one of the best ways to offer your loved one the support they need. Be there when they need you, listen when you need to.

Firmness

There will be days where you also need to be firm. Simple as that. You are doing this because you love them, and their recovery and health, both mental and physical, is your concern too. Remember that your support and your help is vital during the rehabilitation process of your loved one. Stay strong.

Finally, You

I’ll admit, there have been nights my head has hit the pillow, utterly drained from the day, my body too; and if that was me, I cannot imagine how hard it was to her. It takes a toll and you pay a price, one that you are glad too.

However, you need to remember that you’ll be no help, no support if you don’t care for yourself at the same time. Think airplane oxygen masks falling down. Yours first, then your loved ones. If you can’t breathe, how can you help them do the same?

No Assumptions

We have no assumptions, no real answers for the future. We live day-to-day. We love each other and that will never change. Anything she can do to help me in the right way, she will. I know this. I’m grateful for it. She’s just grateful I’m in recovery, with our life together continuing, different but intrinsically the same.

So, there are my 6 ways to support a loved one in addiction recovery – understanding their loneliness, self-education, finding new activities, listening, firmness, and the importance of you. If you have anything you’d like to add, born of your own experiences or those of another, please share in the comments below. How did you support a loved one in a time such as this? Please, let us know.

Lastly, she confessed, that she, too, feels a sense of guilt. Guilt that she did not see beyond the cover-ups, and the odd lie. Guilt she didn’t see the addiction as it bore down on me, and, in the end, us all. However, we’re both grateful we can talk about it all now, openly, honestly and without blame. So, take good care of each other.

***

I’m Carl Towns a 28-year-old wanna-be writer; I am also a recovering addict in the path of self-discovery. My goal is to learn as many things as possible and to seize every single moment I live, pretty much trying to make up for all that I missed on the years I was lost in drugs and alcohol (among other things). I’m in love with tech, cars and pretty much anything that can be found online.

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